How to Discover and Work with Your Limiting Beliefs

Bullying at Work – the harrassment ends with you … “like watching a puppy get a kicking every day”

Article Comment – ‘The Sister Act’, by Shelley Gares, January 31, 2009 Article from: The Australian: It’s the corporate stereotype – the ruthless alpha male. But is the real bullying going on among the women in the office?

I just finished reading the above feature article on women bulling at work. Plain and simple, they’re just grown-up “mean girls”.

The story mentioned “a young features editor who had been working in a magazine office where one of the higher-ups had taken a dislike to her. The superior deliberately started excluding her colleague from the information loop. She organised office drinks or lunches but didn’t include the young editor. Others would be invited with an admonishing shush: don’t tell you-know-who. The young woman, whose desk was placed so that her back faced the office, used to sit at her computer and silently weep, thinking no one could see her. She sat there for another six months. When I first heard this tale, I felt terribly sorry for this young woman. I was repelled by the cruelty and that it had happened in a workplace supposedly devoted to helping women enjoy being women. But there was also a tiny bit of me that thought … well, she was an adult. It was a few women being immature, but she had her job. All she had to do was get through each weekday until 6pm and then she’d have her”

There’s a sentence later in the article that really got me:

“I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was suicidal but I was a nervous wreck,” says media and events manager Niki Waldegrave, who ended up in hospital from stress fallout after what she says was a relentless daily diet of ostracism and game-playing. “Later on, someone told me it had been like watching a puppy get a kicking every day. But at the time you think you must be a failure.”

I truly believe we teach people how to teach us. So if you’re being bullied it’s because you didn’t set boundaries or communicate what is or isn’t acceptable to you early on. But I also know that if you don’t stick up for yourself after the first or second incident, your self-esteem is eroded after each bullying episode and you’ve basically taught your bully to treat you like crap.

If you’re at the stage you’re going to need professional help. Check out the links on my post below:

Bullies – from politics to the world of modelling « Madisen’s World: “Bullying is extremely serious, so here’s some information on bullying in the workplace and how to manage it:

http://workplacebullying.org/
http://www.dignityatwork.org/advice/what-is-bullying/default.htm
http://www.worksmart.org.uk/rights/what_can_i_do_if_i_am
http://209.85.141.104/search?q=cache:0vw0_62ALEIJ:www.bullying.com.au/docs/workplace-test.doc+am+i+being+bullied+at+work&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=6&gl=au
http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=1666″

>> The Harassment Stops with You

But I want to talk about the “Like watching a puppy get kicked everyday” comment. If you’re watching someone get bullied and you don’t report it, you’re as bad as the bully.

You’re probably thinking, “That’s a bit harsh. It’s not like I’m the one being a tyrant.”

You can just add that to your list of excuses. And I know you probably have a million reasons as to why you shouldn’t get involved:

• they’re my boss, I don’t want to get into ‘trouble’ or ‘fired’
• if I say something the bully will then turn on me
• I should just mind my own business, it will get handled
• as mentioned in the article, they’re adults, they can sort it out
• it’s a small industry, I don’t want to be known as a troublemaker, I’m not their parent
• ADD whatever excuse you can think of to convince yourself that the behavior you’re witnessing is OK with you. In fact, you’d even be OK if it was happening to you…

The victim doesn’t have the strength, esteem or confidence to help themselves right now. So they need someone to step in, and here’s what you can do:

• talk to the victim and let them know they need to take control of the situation and report it to the HR Manager, their boss or any other person they feel comfortable with, given them this information on how to handle bullying or these great tips from Blogger Stephanie:

For individuals

• Wherever possible, express your feelings to the individual, in a calm manner, without getting too close, tell them to stop.
• Immediately say it’s not ok – once behaviour is established it’s a lot more difficult to remove. Not only do people get used to behaving that way, but they may think you feel it is okay, and wonder why you are ‘suddenly’ complaining.
• Log all incidents of bullying, whether you experience or witness the act
• Keep copies of all annual appraisals and letters/memos/emails relating to your ability to do the job
• If you cannot confront the bully, try writing a memo/email to make it clear why you object to their behaviour. But wait a couple of hours before you send it, to give yourself time to ensure you have expressed yourself clearly and not said anything you will regret. Sometimes just writing it down can help you to get a better feeling about what needs to be done.

For organizations

• Have a clear policy and procedure (formal and informal) to deal with all cases.
• Protect everyone (especially both the complainant and accused). That may mean moving someone in the short term – make sure it is the higher level person who is moved.
• Train all employees to recognise bullying, deflate, deflect and avoid the conflict escalating.
• Be seen to be fair and consistent – often the target gets moved. You cannot risk a culture where even some bullying is allowed. On the other hand, managers must be trained to be able to tell people to do their job without being accused of bullying.
• Communicate your policy and the values it represents. Use it. Monitor its success. Review regularly to ensure you are achieving your aims.
• if they can’t do it, you can take action, using the same advice outlined above

There’s nothing else to say, the solution is that simple.

If you’re fearful of the reprecusions of speaking up, then the environment isn’t a healthy one for you either. And no excuse or negative situation is worth robbing you of your worthiness, confidence and personal power.

Complimenting 2 employees at her bank. It’s possible that banks are great…because their people are. Where else can I see ‘the good’ today?

Using Work Emotions to Improve Job Satisfaction

It was December 23 and I just picked up my mother to take her grocery shopping. The parking lot was frantic, but we easily got a parking spot (I’m ‘lucky’ like that). I sent my mom to start the shopping and I popped across to the pharmacy to stock up on Omega-3. As I was searching for wild fish options a man in his 50s approached me and asked, “Is that for you and baby?”

What I said, “Ah no, they’re for my husband and I”.

What I thought, “Do I LOOK pregnant???????”

He then went on to say he was from a particular religion and added, “I don’t have much time, but I’ll tell you quickly.” He acted like his time was very important, but he’d carve some time out of his busy schedule to ‘tell me something’.

He then went on preaching at me, telling me how the world is going to end and the environment we live in is like hell.

As I stood there listening I realized that I was becoming more and more annoyed and I considered why:

• he made a lot of assumptions I didn’t appreciate:- I had children, or in fact I looked pregnant (!!!); I had time to listen to him; and he had no regard for my point of view – he just wanted to be heard.
• he  was talking ‘at’ me, not ‘with’ me
• I felt hi-jacked, I went to the pharmacy to buy supplements, not religion
• I have my own opinions and beliefs on this topic, and I have to say, our beliefs weren’t aligned at all
• I’m not  open to doom and gloom conversations

What I said, “I think life is pretty wonderful.”

What I thought, “Buddy, I didn’t buy a ticket to your show – so I don’t want to hear your monologue!”

As I was planning my escape I was thankfully saved by a phone call from a friend.

So what does all this have to do with work?

I am a big believer in using your emotions as your well-being barometer. I was uncomfortable and frustrated in the situation – and my barometer has allowed me to honor how I feel and as a result I knew I didn’t have to sacrifice my happiness to make a stranger more comfortable than me.

The barometer is a wonderful way to live a fantastic, positive life a majority of the time. If you’re happy, do more of it, if you have a negative emotion, don’t do it, or do less of it and consider the following:

• What can I do to transform this negative feeling into a positive one?
• I need to stop doing what is making me unhappy and focus on another more positive thought / action / behavior
• Is there fear that’s making me feel this way, or is this situation genuinely not aligned with my desires

Assess your work in the same way and skip the excuses of, “But I have to do things I don’t like because…” – No you don’t, you can always choose another choice, thought or behavior. I can remember driving to work and crying as I pulled into the parking lot because I really, really, really, REALLY didn’t want to be there and I was struggling and make myself sick.

You may think I’m simplifying things, but it is simple. We create the suffering and unhappiness because we tolerate things that don’t make us feel good. This applies not only to work but all life situations.

Wishing you a Happy Holiday Season! Remember to look for ‘the good’ in everything and in the rare moments you can’t find it, trust your emotional barometer and do what’s great for you.

After all, life is meant to be fun, and easy.

Do You Say ‘Nice’ things about Previous Employers?

My friend Aaron recently left his organization. Prior to being an employee he was a customer for over 10 years. During his employment he was entitled to a free online newsletter subscription (which he previously paid for as a customer). As soon as he walked out the door the CEO told the Marketing Manager to put a stop to Aaron’s subscription.

Now, this ‘subscription’ was just a glorified newsletter (I use the term ‘news’ loosely) filled with company self promotion, it reality it had no real value.

Aaron couldn’t believe it, “I was a customer for years and the CEO made a big deal of canceling a crummy newsletter. Wouldn’t it have been better to keep it coming and have me engaged in the company even after I’ve gone? There’s no way I’m going to become a customer of that place again!”

Consider this, how many employees leave their company and are positive advocates for their former employer?  Hmmm, I don’t see many hands raised.

Universities and colleges are great at creating long term relationships. By developing alumni programs for former students they maintain relationships, build their network and (hopefully) create positive word-of-mouth.

Why don’t organizations do the same? It’s hardly a lot of effort and there are benefits for both sides.

Why not create a ‘Good-bye, Good luck and Stay In Touch’ package for each departing employee? Let them leave feeling good about the company. I know I would have loved to have received the following when I left a company:

• Provide product / service discounts to previous employees and turn them into long-term customers
• Continue to send them newsletters (maybe even do a version aimed specifically at ex-employees) that keep them connected to the business and encourage them to pass it on
• Give them a free subscription to a company publication or online service, it costs basically nothing, but the perceived value is huge
• Use social networking to stay in touch, set up a Facebook group for an organization, or encourage LinkedIn networks to keep everyone in touch. Group members could opt-out whenever they like

The list is as long as the imagination and wouldn’t it be refreshing for an employee to sing a company’s praises instead of saying, “I’m so thankful to have left that place, it was a nightmare in a cubicle!”

No Place for Good News in Business

I recently came across the article below that stated there was no room for ‘good news’ and ’successful people’ in today’s economic climate.

OK then.

So it’s just best to wallow in a state of perpetual dis-ease.

Ask yourself if your organization is a microcosm of negativity? If I think back, every company I have worked in has been consistent in their behavior.

They Roll Out the Negative When…

• they’re not making budget (it’s the economy, the clients are tightening their belts, the cost of goods have skyrocketed)
• it’s pay rise or bonus time (“We haven’t done well this year, so your pay will only go up by 3%” or “We can’t afford to give bonuses”)
• they’re too lazy to think and create opportunities and would rather cut jobs (notice how they rarely cut management jobs, personally I think they should get rid of one chief and save themselves three Indians for the same amount of money)

The above EQUALS one BIG EXCUSE

They Roll Out the Positive When…

• they’re trying to justify spending money (“You’ve got to spend money to make money”)
• they’re justifying their huge executive pay increases or bonuses
• talking to shareholders
• reporting to the ‘head honcho’ so it makes it look like they’re doing a great job

EQUALS one BIG COVER UP

Basically the good and the bad of an organizational climate is based on  (personal) circumstances. But that doesn’t have to flow into your life.

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard the phrase, “You get what you focus on.”  But I’m a strong believer in it. If you think your job is crummy, you’re never going to make budget or deadlines will never be met, then that’s exactly what you get.

People often say to me, “It’s easy for you to stay positive because you’re so lucky.” In their eyes things come easily to me – and to a large extent they do because I think life should be easy. One of my pet peeves is hearing, “Life wasn’t meant to be fair.” – who says?!

In my eyes they were using my ‘luck’ as an excuse to not get off their butt and create something great in their lives. My friend Jeanie takes great offense when people call her “lucky” because she says it takes away from her hard work, dedication and persistence. It’s not luck, it’s being proactive.

Think about it:

If you want a great job, that is 100% up to you. There are no excuses and no luck.

Take Action:

Think of something that makes you happy, for example a celebration, relationship, holiday or the sunshine and notice the feeling it gives you.

Now think of something that makes you unhappy and consider how that makes you feel.

Which state would you rather be in? Most people focus on the unhappy aspects of their work and therefore feel that yucky misery. So why not turn that around? Here’s how.

Look for ‘the good’ in your current job. Focus on it and be thankful. Appreciate and validate your co-workers and see what a difference that makes to your work relationships.

If there are aspects you don’t like, don’t dwell on them, instead look to improve them by changing your attitude, behavior and / or environment. Create an action plan. I know when I was finally fed up with my job and I couldn’t see ways to improve the situation I always felt much better when I was job hunting because I felt like I was taking action to improve my situation instead of just sitting there like a victim.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Here’s the article if you want to waste your time:

‘The Big Idea’ Shelved

An insider with knowledge of the situation tells TVNewser the idea of a “success show” is not right in this economic climate.

I’m over the ‘Doom and Gloom’

You’d have to be dead or on a remote island without wireless to have not heard all the talk about the ‘financial crisis’ in America and everywhere else.

We’re in a recession, depression, everything has gone to crap – blah, blah, blah.

Everybody seems to be talking about the problem, from people in coffee shops, around the dinner table and at work (usually as a reason why they haven’t made budget). But who is focusing on a solution and I’m not talking about ‘bail outs’ and band-aid strategies?

A friend recently attended a National Speakers Association event where the PRESIDENT started off the evening by saying, “No doubt a lot of you have been feeling the financial pressure these times have bought about.” What an inspirational introduction!

Attendees all looked at each other shaking their heads with few agreeing with Mr. President.  I mean c’mon, the room is filled with motivational speakers, many of whom use their stories of adversity to illustrate possibility during ‘tough times’. Thank goodness they didn’t buy into it!

Think about it:

If everybody’s jumping on the doom and gloom bandwagon, they’re no doubt being extremely careful with their spending…what causes a recession people?

We’re collectively perpetuating the problem.

Take action:

There’s a difference between keeping your finger on the pulse when it comes to news and being dragged into the quagmire of despair.

I always remember the story of two real estate agents in a town where the mine had just shut down. During an executive breakfast a man sat in between the two agents and asked them the same question, “How’s business?”

The first agent lamented, “Oh it’s horrible, the mine has shut down, they’ve lost their jobs and they’re not buying new homes. If something doesn’t change soon I’m going to have to shut up shop.”

The second agent said, “It’s GREAT, the best it’s been in years. The mine has shut down and those hardworking miners finally have time to spend their hard earned money, they either selling and moving to a new town to find work or taking the time to upgrade their homes and commuting to nearby towns for new job opportunities. I’ve never been busier, I had to hire a new team member yesterday.”

Take your pick, do you want to be a ‘winner’ or a ‘loser’ – quite literally it’s your choice.

Are Policies Getting in the Way of Business Success & Job Satisfaction?

Whenever I’m interacting with a business there is one sentence that is like a red rag to a bull for me and it’s, “That’s our policy.”

Oh really!

I’m sorry to say that the only people that care about your policies are either the people who’ve made them and the people who hide behind them. The rest of us either haven’t read them, wouldn’t have a clue where to find them and don’t give a flying hoot.

When I once asked to eyeball said policy they told me I had to look on the Internet, to which I kindly explained that if I had to visit and read the policies of every company I transacted with I would never leave the house, nor would they ever make any money as people would be too busy reading and have no time to shop!

If you’re a policy maker or enforcer, think about how it impacts your work and job satisfaction? How flexible do you feel when you’re surrounded by rules and regulations? Do you ever question whether they’re necessary or just a way to make you robotically interact with the marketplace? If you don’t see the point, talk to the policy makers (who often have little to no client interaction) and make them aware that unnecessary restrictions aren’t doing the employees or the business any favors.

The next time someone runs that big fat policy excuse past you, hurtle this one back at them, “Good to know, but MY policy is TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED.” They’re amazed, after all if they can make up policies to deal with them, you can have yours on how to deal with you too.

Working 9-to-5

Who made up the rule that we have to work 9-to-5 and only have weekends off?

I don’t know about you but I’m not a morning person, so I prefer get to work at 10am AND miss peak-hour traffic. In fact, I’d much rather spend half a day in the office, go home, hang out with my husband and the dogs and then start working again at 8pm until midnight. That’s my productivity pattern.

Unless your work is time specific, do companies really need to be so rigid?

As a Manager I believe in output, not hours. If you’ve done your work and it’s 4pm, why not go home? And if the project you’re working on needs to be finished and it takes you until 8pm, that’s OK too.

Think about it:

• Employees would be happier and more productive working the hours that suited their body clock.
• We could stager travel so peak-hour wouldn’t be so time-wasting and agonizing.

Take action:

• Ask your employer if they will consider flexible work hours to heighten productivity and team member retention.

Bullies – from politics to the world of modelling

Over the last month or so the Australian media have committed hundreds of hours to ‘Iguana – gate’. A scandal involving a Labor Member of Parliament, Belinda Neal, coercing her staff into signing false statements denying her bullying behaviour towards employees at Iguanas Waterfront Restaurant.

There’s no condoning Belinda’s behavior and as you know, I abhor bullies. But why the blinding spotlight on her alone? Have you ever watched a session of Parliament? I’ve never seen a bigger bunch of childish (and that’s an insult to children BTW!), mocking, game playing, shouting, tantruming, politicking behavior and these are ‘our’ representatives. Why aren’t there investigations and action taken in that environment as well?

The public is also angered by Belinda’s behavior (as they should be) but then I personally witness someone say, “How dare she use her power and treat others like rubbish!” and then immediately turn around to their assistant and shout, “I don’t need you to question what I ask you do to, I just need you to do it.”

The ‘Bad Belinda Behavior’ isn’t isolated, every day, in every city, of every country someone is being bullied by a colleague. Why do we let it happen?

Now let’s take a huge leap to the other end of the spectrum, where we find a beguiling bully in the form of 16 year-old reality TV show contestant, Demelza Reveley.

Throughout the show she bullied, bitched, acted like a spoilt brat and then went onto WIN the title of Australia’s Next Top Model!!!

Good work everybody, let’s reward bad behavior with a lucrative modeling contract, a spread in Australian Vogue (during the finale Editor, Christy Clements, stated she would not vote for Demelza due to her unsavory behavior. Christy has declared she will not be on the cover and will only honor the 8 page spread she is contractually obliged to run), a brand new car and the rest of the loot she scored for being a ‘mean girl’.

She did manage a fake apology to her victim during the finale, but up to the very last frame of the TV package she was still making bitchy comments about the girls – obviously she didn’t learn despite the hundreds of disgusted comments on online forms and warnings from the judges.

From a 16 year old brat to a brazen politician Australians are obviously enraged by the behavior. Now, I ask you to make the same observations, take the same anger of either being or seeing a victim, and understanding that bullying behavior is NOT OK. Take a good hard look at yourself and your workplace and take action to ban bullying.

Let’s learn from these bitches and become better for it, I wish them well in their counselling sessions.

How to Handle this Situation

Mind

Occasionally bullying occurs because victims and abusers aren’t clear on what’s considered bullying behavior. You may think you’re the sweetest person on earth but have you ever?

- excluded or isolated a colleague from a situation
- deliberately held back information someone would need to get their work done properly
- allocated impossible jobs that can’t be done in the given time or the resources provided (I’ve seen this numerous times where bosses say, “Yes” to appease someone. It’s easy to say, “Yes” when you’re not the one doing the job and you then put unnecessary pressure on others to achieve it. I know of one Manager whose team works until 8pm or later and she waltzes out the door at 5pm.)
- taken credit for other’s work but never take the blame when things go wrong (see post below for more on that!)
- spread malicious rumours about a co-worker
- no matter what a team member does it’s never good enough, and you tell them so, but you take no steps to up skill them or provide them tools to improve

As you can see, bullying is much more than, threats, screaming, shouting abuse and obscenities. Make yourself familiar with this unacceptable behavior to make sure you don’t fall into either the victim or bully categories.

Bullying is extremely serious, so here’s some information on bullying in the workplace and how to manage it:

http://workplacebullying.org/
http://www.dignityatwork.org/advice/what-is-bullying/default.htm
http://www.worksmart.org.uk/rights/what_can_i_do_if_i_am
http://209.85.141.104/search?q=cache:0vw0_62ALEIJ:www.bullying.com.au/docs/workplace-test.doc+am+i+being+bullied+at+work&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=6&gl=au
http://www.reachout.com.au/default.asp?ti=1666

Body

Bullying can be covert behavior at times but it can also be blatantly physical. Just ask the HR Director of a major insurance firm who honed her skills at ducking flying office furniture. If you are at a workplace which doesn’t take bullying seriously, then you need to move on as no one should put up with it.

Spirit

Not sure if you’re being bullied? Just check in on how certain interactions make you feel. Nathanial said one Senior Manager used to make him shake in his boots because every time he had a conversation with her she used to shout, groan, roll her eyes, interrupt, talk over him and act impatient.

If certain relationships don’t feel good then please check out the resources to manage the behavior.

As in any bad relationship the victim can lose their sense of self-worth, believe what’s being said about them and the situation turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. So stop what’s going on before it gets to this stage.

Until next time.

M